Sunday, September 17, 2006

slow, dry, heat.

august 15. 2006

I woke to a slow morning--Chelan sunshine and soft sheets...nowhere to be.
I moved from bed to sunny, dappled deck. Spent time in Your psalms...wondered what they meant.
I think about how much I focus on me in my prayers. Maybe this is what fogs me in.
Deck to porch. A long conversation with Jamie...in love with Miguel? It seems so.
Praises Father! Mother, Yeshua. Praises for their love. And their journey and their unknown.
A prayer for guidance and for faith--a prayer that Jamie might hear Your Word in the midst of a baker's dozen voices.
Slow start. Now it's lunch. But where did breakfast go...?
On the boat--to the lake. Thick white sunscreen, a hat and the wind licking at my clothes.
A fried chicken hot afternoon in town. Gas up the boat. And back to paradise.
A cruise, a swim, afternoon with the Economist. Relaxed.
The sun is setting, breezes rise. And again You frost the skies with colors I can't describe. The beauty holds my soul captive, hope rises on my breath.
Lord--how do I enjoy this when I know how many suffer? How few will ever witness such beauty, privilege, freedom and opportunity combined? How do I purify this guilt?
I've been given so much. I have so much. I find my joy tainted by the knowledge of those who have so little. And my heart is far from humble and pure.
I want to understand and experience this world--every little corner. But I don't think I want to sacrifice the privilege of seeing it on my terms--my times, my people, my colors, my comforts--all about me.
Do I really want to serve? Yes. I think I do. My self-centeredness comes from being afraid. Of what? I can't anticipate.
I've never not thought of myself first. That is so sad. I have to fight past my fear. I have to trust.
Three winks at night. Your grace will subdue me.

1 comment:

Grace said...

"Lord--how do I enjoy this when I know how many suffer? How few will ever witness such beauty, privilege, freedom and opportunity combined? How do I purify this guilt?
I've been given so much. I have so much. I find my joy tainted by the knowledge of those who have so little. And my heart is far from humble and pure."

Sister, I feel these words so deeply with you. Thank you for your thoughtful explanations of so many delicate, painful, glorious and mystery-filled themes. I have greatly enjoyed reading your posts so far. More comments to come...